Commentary

Thanks To All of You For the Warm Root Beer

by Gary Allen

The festivities for National Telecommunicator Week have ended, but I have fond memories.

There were departmental ceremonies, articles in the newspaper and even some video on television. Public safety dispatchers all across the country received the recognition they so rightly deserve.

Many agencies held recognition banquets to formally acknowledge their dispatchers. Police chiefs, fire chiefs and sheriffs stood before the crowd to say, "Thank you" to their dispatchers.

But at one banquet, a dispatcher wanted to thank her neighboring agencies for their help during the year. I took notes on her speech and here's what I wrote down:

Thank you for that applause. It certainly is a time of thanks, to all the people who helped make 1994 an extraordinary year.

I, too, want to give thanks, to the many agencies that we in Smithville work with every day.

Thank you, state police. For taking over our pursuits when they go into your "country." And thanks for not charging us for gas when the car doesn't stop for 800 miles.

Thank you, Jonesville. For ending the pursuits that come into your town, by throwing a $120, department-issued Streamlight into the car's windshield. It still shines!

Thank you, Wilsonville. For bringing in your K-9 unit and helicopter when your pursuits end here, so we don't have to go searching through our back yards to find your crooks.

Thank you, transit police. For letting our officers ride free in uniform. But next time, we won't be arresting those seat cushion slashers for you. By the way, Officer Jackson's pants have been replaced.

Thank you, park police. For identifying that "thing" we found along the highway. We've had it removed and the chief now has a new fur coat.

Thank you, harbor police. For letting us use your 24-foot patrol boat to retrieve Capt. Johnson's hat from his patrol car. By the way, how's it coming with his car?

Thank you, Oakmont College Police. For letting us assist with the prank involving the dead mule. The night shift will be out of quarantine some time next week.

Thank you, dispatch instructors at Maple State University. For answering those obscure questions we raised during in-service training. By the way, could you send over another copy of the 10-Code. Ours got lost and no one remembers what you say when an officer needs help.

Thank you, citizens of Smithville. Go ahead, give yourselves a hand. (Applause) Yes, without you we wouldn't have the exciting, responsible jobs we do. Thank you for your support during 1994. By the way, how come you always call just as I sit down to greasy chicken and warm root beer. I haven't finished a meal in months!

And lastly, thanks to my co-workers. For understanding what the word "crabby" means, for responding when I ask, "Hey, anyone got a Tylenol?", and changing a dollar for the Jolt Cola machine.

Thank you, one and all. (Applause)

I wasn't able to keep up during the entire speech, so some of this may be mangled. Anyway, you get the idea.